How to Handle Conflict According to Godly Principles

Biblical Wisdom for Resolving Disputes and Restoring Relationships

"If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." — Romans 12:18

Don't Ignore or Minimize the Problem

When conflict arises, your natural instinct may be to avoid it. Confrontation is uncomfortable, so you minimize the issue, pretend everything is fine, or hope the problem will go away. But Scripture calls us to address conflict directly. Jesus said, "Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother" (Matthew 18:15). Notice the instruction: "go"—take initiative to address the issue. Don't wait for the other person to come to you. Don't ignore it. Don't gossip about it to others. Go directly to the person involved. This requires courage, but it's essential for resolution. Unaddressed conflict festers, grows, and eventually explodes into something far worse than if you had dealt with it early. Proverbs warns, "He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends" (Proverbs 17:9). Address issues directly rather than letting them poison your relationship.

Prioritize Reconciliation Over Being Right

When seeking to resolve conflict, your goal should be reconciliation, not proving you're right. Jesus emphasized this: "Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift" (Matthew 5:23-24). Notice the priority: reconciliation comes before worship. God values restored relationships so highly that He commands you to interrupt your worship to pursue peace with your brother. This doesn't mean you compromise truth or pretend wrong is right, but it does mean your attitude should be one of humility and genuine desire for restored relationship, not vindictive victory. Paul writes, "Now therefore there is utterly a fault among you, because ye go to law one with another. Why do ye not rather take wrong? why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded?" (1 Corinthians 6:7). Sometimes the Christ-like response is to absorb the offense rather than demanding your rights.

Check Your Own Heart First

Before confronting someone else about their sin, Jesus commands you to examine your own heart: "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye" (Matthew 7:3-5). This is penetrating. Before you address someone else's fault, ruthlessly examine your own. Have you contributed to the conflict? Have you been proud, harsh, or unloving? Have you failed to communicate clearly? Have you made unfair assumptions? Deal with your own sin first. This doesn't mean the other person isn't also at fault, but it means you approach them with humility rather than self-righteous judgment. When you've dealt with your own sin, you can address theirs with compassion rather than condemnation.

Value the Other Person Above Yourself

Paul instructs, "Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others" (Philippians 2:3-4). This is revolutionary. In conflict, your natural instinct is to protect yourself, defend your position, and demand your rights. But Christ calls you to value the other person's interests above your own. This doesn't mean you become a doormat or allow sin to continue unchecked. But it does mean you genuinely care about their wellbeing, you seek to understand their perspective, and you're willing to sacrifice for the sake of reconciliation. When you approach conflict with this attitude, the other person senses that you truly care about them, not just about being right. This disarms defensiveness and opens the door to genuine dialogue.

Control Your Emotions

Conflict naturally triggers strong emotions—anger, hurt, frustration, fear. But you must not let these emotions control you. "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city" (Proverbs 16:32). Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23), and nowhere is it more needed than in conflict. James warns, "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20). Your anger does not accomplish God's righteous purposes. If you're too angry to have a productive conversation, wait until you've calmed down. Pray, ask God for self-control, and then approach the person when you can speak truth in love rather than exploding in rage. Losing your temper guarantees the conflict will escalate rather than resolve.

Give Your Full Attention

When someone is sharing their perspective or hurt, give them your complete attention. Put away your phone, maintain eye contact, and focus entirely on understanding them. Don't interrupt, don't rehearse your rebuttal while they're talking, and don't dismiss their feelings. "If one give answer before he heareth, it is folly and shame unto him" (Proverbs 18:13). Answering before truly hearing is foolish. Let them finish speaking. Ask clarifying questions. Repeat back what you heard to ensure you understood correctly. Many conflicts are simply misunderstandings that can be quickly resolved once both parties truly hear each other. But this requires the humility to listen rather than the pride of assuming you already know what they're going to say.

Try to See From Their Perspective

Even if you disagree with the other person's viewpoint, make a genuine effort to understand it. Paul wrote, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep" (Romans 12:15). This requires empathy—putting yourself in their shoes and trying to feel what they feel. Why are they hurt? What unmet expectation or miscommunication led to this conflict? What fears or insecurities might be driving their response? When you demonstrate genuine effort to understand their perspective, even if you ultimately disagree, they're far more likely to listen to your perspective in return. Conflict often arises from different interpretations of the same event. What felt innocent to you felt hurtful to them. When you validate their feelings ("I can see why you felt hurt by that"), you don't necessarily agree their interpretation was correct, but you acknowledge their pain is real. This validation opens hearts.

Be Honest About the Issue

Don't sugarcoat sin or pretend everything is fine when it's not. Love requires honesty. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful" (Proverbs 27:6). A true friend will tell you hard truths because they genuinely care about your wellbeing. If someone has sinned against you, clearly communicate what they did and why it hurt. Use "I" statements rather than accusatory "you" statements: "I felt hurt when this happened" rather than "You're a terrible person for doing this." Be specific rather than vague. Don't bring up past offenses that have already been forgiven. Focus on the current issue. And be honest about your own contributions to the conflict. This balanced honesty demonstrates that you're seeking resolution, not just attacking them.

Maintain a Loving Tone

It's not just what you say but how you say it. "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Your tone, body language, and word choice all communicate either love or hostility. You can speak absolute truth in such a harsh, condemning way that the other person becomes defensive and shuts down. Or you can speak the same truth with gentleness and compassion that opens their heart to receive it. Paul instructs, "And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves" (2 Timothy 2:24-25). Even when correcting someone who is clearly in the wrong, maintain gentleness and patience. Your goal is restoration, not destruction. Love in your tone makes truth palatable.

Avoid Exaggeration and Personal Attacks

In the heat of conflict, it's easy to exaggerate ("You always..." "You never...") or to attack the person's character rather than addressing specific behavior. This is both dishonest and destructive. "Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6). Stick to the facts. Address the specific action that caused the conflict, not the person's entire character. Don't say, "You're so selfish!" Say, "When you made that decision without consulting me, I felt disregarded." See the difference? One attacks character; the other addresses behavior. One creates defensiveness; the other invites dialogue. Avoid name-calling, sarcasm, bringing up past resolved issues, or saying things you know will deeply wound. Once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Proverbs 18:21). Use your words to bring life, not death.

Be Quick to Forgive

When someone wrongs you and genuinely repents, forgive them immediately and completely. Jesus said, "And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him" (Luke 17:4). This unlimited forgiveness mirrors God's forgiveness of you. Don't hold grudges, keep records of wrongs, or make the person "pay" for their sin. When you forgive, release them completely. This doesn't mean you instantly trust them—trust must be rebuilt through changed behavior. But forgiveness is immediate. "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32). The measure of your forgiveness should match the forgiveness you've received from God.

Be Quick to Ask for Forgiveness

When you realize you've sinned against someone, don't delay in seeking their forgiveness. "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed" (James 5:16). A genuine apology includes three elements: acknowledgment of what you did wrong, genuine remorse for the hurt caused, and commitment to change behavior. Don't say, "I'm sorry if you were offended"—that's not an apology; it's a dismissal. Say, "I was wrong when I [specific action]. I'm sorry for hurting you. Will you forgive me?" Take full responsibility without excuses or justifications. And then demonstrate through changed behavior that your repentance is genuine. Words mean nothing if your actions don't change.

Work Toward Reconciliation

Paul commands, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men" (Romans 12:18). Do everything in your power to live at peace. This may require sacrificing your rights, extending grace repeatedly, or enduring personal inconvenience. But notice the qualifier: "if it be possible." Reconciliation requires two willing parties. You're responsible for your side—forgiving, pursuing peace, being willing to reconcile. But you can't control the other person. If they refuse reconciliation despite your genuine efforts, you've done what God requires of you. Jesus said, "And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican" (Matthew 18:17). There's a point where, after exhausting biblical steps, you must accept that the other person has chosen division. But that point comes only after you've genuinely done all you can to pursue peace.

Involve Godly Mediators

Jesus outlined a process for addressing unresolved conflict: first go alone, then take one or two witnesses, and finally involve the church (Matthew 18:15-17). "Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14). When you can't resolve a conflict privately, involve mature believers who can provide objective perspective, ask hard questions of both parties, and help mediate resolution. Choose counselors who are genuinely impartial, committed to Scripture, and have proven wisdom. Don't just involve people who will take your side—that's not seeking counsel; that's building an alliance. Submit to their guidance even if it means hearing uncomfortable truths about your own contributions to the conflict. Wise counsel can often break through impasses that the parties themselves cannot resolve.

🙏 A Prayer for Handling Conflict Biblically

Heavenly Father, I confess that I often handle conflict in sinful ways—avoiding it, exploding in anger, or harboring bitterness. Forgive me for responding in the flesh rather than in Your Spirit. Help me to approach conflict with love and humility, valuing others above myself and genuinely seeking reconciliation. Give me the courage to address issues directly rather than ignoring them or gossiping to others. Help me to listen actively, to speak truth in love, to control my emotions, and to pursue forgiveness quickly. When I'm wrong, give me the humility to admit it and ask for forgiveness. When others wrong me, give me the grace to forgive as You have forgiven me. Make me a peacemaker who reflects Your character and brings healing to broken relationships. I cannot do this in my own strength—I depend entirely on Your Spirit working through me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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